My brain is a playlist set on shuffle.

Oscar noms were announced today, thus continuing my growing frustration with how out of touch critics and the Academy of Motion (whatever it is) is. Personally, an Oscar is just a pat on the back for all these privileged people and honestly, aren’t those privileged people making movies for us, the non-privileged? So we can have two hours of our (sad) lives spent pretending everything is all shiny (or black and white) and great!

It is with the snubs of Ryan Gosling, Michael Fassbender, and countless other snubs that gives me great pleasure to announce the Average American “Hey! I like movies too!” Awards (trademark pending)!

But, you may be asking, what makes the Average American “Hey! I like movies too!” Awards different? Why should you care about the Average? Well, consider this:

1. All films eligible for nomination include those viewed on Netflix, not just those released in theaters from some obscure date in 2010 to another obscure date at the end of 2011. So yes! You can FINALLY nominate the really awesome Bring It On 200: Nursing Home Shenanigans!
2. These are awards for people like YOU; meaning, tweens and teens madly in love with farcical writings of a depressed housewife channeling her best Mary Shelley “let’s write about my dream!” into a poor pathetic rendition of vampires versus werewolves. Oh, Peter Facinelli. You deserve better. You too, Billy Burke. Also, anyone who stars on Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, ABC Family, or some other kid channel network is automatically disqualified. Maybe. I’m not sure yet. THERE WILL BE NO GREEN SLIME.
3. Meryl Streep is automatically disqualified. She’s what we call an “Academy Darling.” There is no place for “darlings” (unless it’s a Wendy, John, Michael, or Nana Darling) here. We’re not classy enough—we have beer in cans and red plastic solo cups! (Cue Toby Keith.)

So, without further ado!

Ladies aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand gentlemeeeeeeeeeen! Welcome to the first annual Average American “Hey! I like movies!” Awards! And now, here’s your host, Ryaaaaaaaaaaaaan Seeeeeeaaaaaaaaacreeeeeeeest!

No. Ryan Seacrest is not an Average American, thus he is disqualified from hosting. The honors will go to Cat Deeley and Andy Cohen. Don’t know who they are? FOR SHAME, you are NOT an Average American! Begone—the “People’s Choice” and MTV Awards await you! Also! Rule number 4!

4. Extra-long “hours” of television may also be nominated. Yes! You can FINALLY nominate that super-special “After the Rose: Jason Screws Melissa” show! (It won’t win, though. Guaranteed.) Whether or not super-special TV will win remains to be seen.

And WHO are the nominees for the First Annual Average American “Hey! I like movies too!” Awards? WHAT are the categories?

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I don’t know yet.

But what have you seen (between January 1, 2011 and January 15, 2012) that deserves worthy awards and praise?